Losing My Religion

Maybe I was just dreaming, but....

George W. Bush Elected Pope, Calls Results a "Mandate."
MoveOn.Org Files Suit

In a move that caught even the most seasoned Vatican watchers by surprise, George W. Bush was elected Pope late today. Bush, a devout Protestant who attends the United Methodist Church in Midland Texas, becomes the 264th Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church and succeeds the universally-loved Pope John Paul II, who died April 5, 2005. White House spokesman Ari Fleischman told a stunned press corps that the two-thirds majority Bush garnered from the College of Cardinals signaled a strong mandate for both his economic and domestic programs. Fleischman quoted Bush as saying "this election gives me the kind of religious capital I've been looking for and I intend to spend it." Fleischman said that Bush plans to adopt the name, John W. Paul II, when he is ordained as the Holy See later this week. Bush was elected on the third ballot.

MoveOn.org, the left-leaning political action committee that gained prominence during the 2004 U.S. presidential election, vowed to fight Bush's election. MoveOn spokesman Sheila Zeinstein claimed wide-spread election fraud was behind this surprising development.

"Right now we have lawyers on the ground, collecting affidavit after affidavit from nearly all of the 120 Cardinals in the conclave. To a man, they can't explain how Bush was able to secure this new appointment," Zeinstein said. "We have credible evidence that will demonstrate rampant fraud, the kind of fraud that will make the recent elections in Iraq look wildly legitimate by comparison."

On the advice of counsel, Cardinal Vito Salazano, Vatican spokesman declined to address the voter fraud allegations. Salazano did say, however, that "I suspect that this election will come as a mild surprise to the flock. I'm the one that got the results and had to send the smoke through the chimney signifying that a two-thirds majority had been reached. Thank God I wasn't drinking the Holy Blood at the time or I might have done a spit-take."

Seeking to make some sense of this, U.S. House Majority Leader Thomas DeLay said that the results signals a desire for the Catholic Church to better align itself with the burgeoning Christian majority that has taken a chokehold on American politics. "This is smart, damn smart, of them Catholics," DeLay said. "They were losing ground both here and abroad. I don't blame them for glombing on to the popularity of probably the single greatest president--ever."

Cardinal Szen Valcowicz of Poland disagreed with DeLay's assessment. "I don't see this result--assuming it's legitimate--as any attempt to leverage the popularity of a current political figure to assist the Church. It just makes good, philosophical sense. Look, being Pope is hard work, just hard work. You have to be able to stand resolute in the face of overwhelming opposition--whether it's opposition to an unjust war or opposition to ancient dogma that has little relevance in today's environment. I think Mr. Bush, excuse me, Pope W, will make a remarkable Pope. I believe John Paul II would be proud."

Asked if the Cardinals were concerned that the new leader was not Catholic, Valcowicz noted "Personally, I don't see that as a major problem. The United States is not all Republican and yet he is effectively leading that country. Just look at the respect it garners these days on the world stage." Salazano added that the Cardinals felt that this move represented a "bold new direction for the Catholic Church and a chance for us to bridge our differences with the Protestants, something we've not been able to accomplish in, like, 200 years."

Zeinstein, however, said that MoveOn.org plans to contest the election as soon as it can find a court to hear the case. "Right now we're just looking for a forum. We'll keep filing legal actions until we can get someone, anyone, to listen. We're confident that if we can just be heard, if the courts will just look at all of the evidence, this election won't stand," Zeinstein said.

DeLay, however, warned MoveOn.org against pursuing an agenda that sought to overturn the decisions of the Cardinals. "These are very personal and very private issues. As everyone knows, I simply have never believed that one should invoke the Courts in such disputes." DeLay said. DeLay further warned that should MoveOn.org persist, legislative or administrative intervention would not be out of the question.

"Those are certainly options we need to consider," DeLay said. Asked to elaborate, DeLay said "We need to look at legislation specifically tailored to denying fringe groups like MoveOn.org status to file legal actions. We also need to look at stronger regulations to close up the loopholes that allow these kind of anti-American groups to gain tax-exempt status. And we need more frequent tax audits of these groups. After all, that put the NAACP back in line, didn't it?"

"But," DeLay said, "however it plays out, should there be judicial intervention to overturn this decision, the wrongdoers will be made to pay. Believe me, the men responsible for this kind of unwarranted legal activism will be held responsible for their actions," DeLay said.

In a separate development, a small earthquake, measuring 1.3 on the Richter scale, rumbled near the Vatican shortly after the announcement made. No injuries were reported, although the caskets of the previous 263 popes buried beneath St. Peter's Basilica were reportedly turned completely askew.