Help A Brother Out

Far be it from any of us to doubt the sincerity of someone of the stature of Tom DeLay, the U.S. House majority leader. When he threatens judges with retribution for their blatant judicial activism in response to his House-led unwarranted legislative activism in the Terri Schiavo tragedy, it is rather doubtful that he is serving any personal interest. Certainly, DeLay would stand to benefit from a suddenly timid judiciary should he be indicted as a result of the on-going investigation in Texas that has already ensnared three DeLay associates. But who are we to connect those dots? No, DeLay couldn’t possibly be that transparent. Perhaps his motives are much more nefarious—like an on-going agenda to perform an Extreme Makeover on the Constitution by eliminating such clutter like checks and balances. While DeLay may be able to bully his way into rewriting House rules in order to avoid further wrist slaps for his ethical violations, fortunately it’s doubtful he’ll have as much success bullying his way to eliminating a separate judiciary, but who knows? I never thought Paris Hilton’s "reality" show would be renewed for a second season either.

Rather than ponder DeLay’s motives, it’s much more sporting to spot the inconsistencies in his approach. Think of it as a civics lesson version of finding the hidden objects in the picture at the back of Children’s Highlights magazine. For example, wasn’t it DeLay, as the New York Times reported, who was part of pulling the plug on his old man when he was terminally ill? There was no dramatic photo-op request for federal intervention then. But much more deliciously ironic is his panting for the intervention of the evil trial lawyers by encouraging more litigation in the name of the sanctity of life? I know, everyone hates lawyers, until of course we need them to further the Christian right’s agenda.

While context might not be his strong suit, that still doesn’t explain how DeLay missed this case. Recently, the Third Circuit Court of Appeals in Pennsylvania threw out a case brought by the heart of DeLay’s power base--the hillbilly redneck faction. It seems that the particular hillbilly redneck in question wouldn’t remove the Confederate bumper stickers from his pick-up, which ultimately got him fired (Storey v. Burns International Security Services). Curtis Blaine Storey was employed as a security guard by Burns International. Burns, trying to convey an image of diversity intolerance as they were embarking on a hiring program, asked Curtis-Bob to remove the stickers from his pickup. Like any good gun-toting hick still fighting the Civil War, Curtis-Bob said no and was called in to explain his reticence. When he refused, again, to remove the stickers, he was tossed out, no doubt by the hair on his back. If you’re like me, you probably thought his defense went something like "What in tarnation are y’all doing? I just got my ride up off of the cinder blocks in front of my trailer and them there stickers are the only thing holding it together." But Curtis-Bob, with the help of the kind of trial lawyer who is just as likely to file the kind of endless, frivolous pleadings we saw in the Schiavo case, was more creative. He claimed his termination was national origin discrimination. His national origin? "Confederate Southern-American." As Dave Barry would say, "I’m not making this up." For good measure, he threw in that "the Confederate flag is a religious symbol because it incorporates the cross of Saint Andrew, a revered religious symbol."

The Third Circuit, exercising the kind of judicial activism we’d all like to see more of, summarily tossed this loser suit out.

Strangely, and I checked, Brother DeLay was no where to be found. No friend of the court brief in support of ol’ Curtis-Bob. No emergency amendment to Title VII to clarify that hilljack, I mean, "Confederate Southern-American" is a protected national origin. No Sunday evening taxpayer-financed presidential helicopter delivering George W to the Rose Garden to put his stamp of approval on any new legislation. I know that DeLay is busy fending off the enemies of freedom trying to derail his career by holding him to the same ethical standards that he accused Hillary of violating, but certainly he could have freed one of the lawyers on his ever-expanding legal team for a few minutes to help a brother out. I’ll be he would have had Curtis-Bob had the dough of, say, Jed Clampett.
Hey, I know it’s been a little frustrating trying to demonstrate, on a macro level, to the Confederate Southern-Americans among us the evil that these men are trying to inflict on this country. But if all politics are local, then, hopefully, it will be these personal slights to the likes of the Curtis-Bob that will be their undoing. Now get me some muskrat. I’m a hankering for some viddles.