Another Cold Day in Hell

Not necessarily wanting to make this solely or even about politics, I nonetheless ate some bad pizza the other day, fell asleep and had the weirdest dream that this story appeared in the New York Times:

Bush Promises to Divide the Country

In a stunning rebuke to nearly half of the voting public and Democrats across the country, President George W. Bush pledged during his inaugural to divide the country even further during the next four years.

Speaking to the highly partisan Republican crowd attending last Thursday's inauguration Bush promised an aggressive agenda to eliminate those civil rights that get in the way of our war on terror while pushing through "value-based" initiatives that will steer this country more closely to God.

"I want a country that is one, big, united, big country," Bush said, "But we can't get there, we really can't, if we continue to allow the liberals in this country to keep criminals on the street and God out of the classroom."

Outlining the planks of his self-styled "War on Liberals", Bush promised to:

1. Sponsor the "No Bible Left Behind" initiative that would mandate the teaching of creationism as the only explanation for the origin of man.

2. Propose a package of Constitutional amendments that would: mandate teaching Christianity in public schools; specifically authorize the private possession of assault weapons; and, specifically deny a woman's right to choose.

3. Eviscerate nearly all environmental laws and regulations, or at least those that get in the way of progress.

4. Extend current tax breaks for those making in excess of $100,000 and eliminate all taxes on capital gains.

"These are just the beginning," Bush said. "In year 2 I'm thinking that maybe we need evern tougherer, mandatory jail sentences for welfare cheats and narrowing, as much as possible, liability for medical malpractice and job discrimination. Those things are really a big drag on business."

Bush shurgged off criticism that an aggressive agenda premised on the suspension or elimination of most civil liberties could alienate the U.S. in the world community, saying "Who gives a damn about pissing off the French--again. I know this will be hard work. It's hard. It really is. But I prayed about this last night and I know this will be best for the country in the long run. A nation that is more friendly to business, where everyone prays to the same God and, dammit, where everyone gets along is a good idea, it really is." Asked whether he recognized that his views were eerily similar to Hitler's vision for Germany in the 1940s, Bush said "I don't know much about that. That was a long time ago. But as I said on election night and I'll say again, 'this election has given me political capital and I intend to spend it.'"