Who Knew We Were So Close to the Edge?

I know the adage, if you're not living on the edge, you're not living. But if the delicate balance between living in bliss and total chaos can be tipped by the kidnapping of a Hollywood B-actor, then I need to find a more stable boundary.

An item being reported by Reuters says that New Zealand-born actor Russell Crowe may have been targeted for kidnapping by Al Qaeda as a plot to destablize our culture, at least according to Russell. Russell told reporters that sometime in 2001 he was interviewed and provided protection by the FBI because of reports that Osama and his poorly-groomed posse, were looking to carryout their attacks on America by eliminating our cultural icons. Now, of course, this leads to a number of questions, not the least of which is whether or not Crowe is still taking his medication.

Correct me if you must, but didn't Crowe star in "A Beautiful Mind", an academy-award winning movie about a paranoid Princeton mathematics professor who claimed he was being targeted by, perhaps, aliens because of his scary talent? And didn't Crowe, as Nash, gain protection by the FBI and other shadowy government operatives in order to ensure that our great nation remained the sole recipient of Nash's gifts? Hmmm.

Far be it from me to accuse Crowe of being paranoid. Bizarrely egocentric perhaps, but never paranoid. Can't you just see Osama now, gathered around some crude fire pit with his inner circle, picking the flies out his ever lengthening beard finalizing his plans for his attack on the U.S.

"Followers, I brought you here today to so that we can reach consensus on how best to attack the great Satan. We have a short list here and we need to bring closure because I need to head back to the mountains to winterize my cave. Mousaoui, whaddya got?"

"Oh great seer, our cell has been working on an intricate plan to destablize the cultural institutions of the great Satan. According to our contacts in America, the infidels spend hour upon hour each day watching Entertainment Tonight, the E! Network, and reading People Magazine and Entertainment Weekly. If we can destroy these underlying cultural institutions, then we will create a country without a soul or purpose to which we can then convert them all to our radical and incomprehensible vision of Islam."

"Interesting. Pass me the bread. Go on, how do you expect to destroy these cultural institutions?"

"If you don't mind, please save me the end piece from the bread. It's my favorite."

"Fine. Now go on about your plan."

"Well, we have operatives on the ground, ready to take out the greatest of their heroes, Mr. Russell Crowe. With him gone, there will be no programming for their devilish television networks, no pictures for their pornographic magazines. Their culture will collapse."

"Not bad, not bad. But isn't he Australian?"

"Let me get back to you on that one."

"Fine. Muhammad, whaddya got?"

"Well, we were thinking of flying planes into the World Trade Center. The buildings would collapse, thousands would die, and the country would be despondent and feeling vulnerable to further terroist attacks."

"Not bad, either. Tough call but I've got to play my hunches here. Let's go with the plane thing. If that doesn't work, we can always kill Crowe, so finish the background check."

Well, at least we still have our culture.